My dog wrote this for Thanksgiving last year. She’s lazy and does not want to write a new one and asked that I post it again this year.
I may not look like a thankful dog, but I am. Really, forget the angry eyebrows. Look past the glare. Inside, I’m full of emotions and feelings, just like you.
I’m thankful for my owners. That means all the humans that live here, so no one go crying that I didn’t mention you (cough*natlieandlisa*cough) Ok, got that out of the way. Now, everything else:
I’m thankful for Jumbones and those little peanut butter treats I get every time I pee. I’m thankful my owners don’t realize that sometimes I pretend I have to pee just so I can get a peanut butter treat when we get back in the house.
I’m thankful for the stupid birds that gather on my lawn every day and look acceptably horrified when I bark at them through the window. Maybe they’re faking it, I don’t know. But it makes me feel fucking powerful when they’re all wide-eyed and frightened and fly away like little scared babies.
I’m thankful for the squirrel in the backyard that plays hide-and-seek with me but he better know that one day I am going to learn how to climb a tree and when I do, that fucker is dinner. Well, sort of. I may break his neck and shake him around a bit because I’m a Schnauzer and that’s what we do, but I’m kind of spoiled when it comes to dinner as my owners feed me turkey and bananas with that other crap they call dog food so I don’t know if I’d really eat a squirrel, per se. I guess if that asshole dog next door (the one who tried to kill me a few months ago) was watching I would totally eat the squirrel just to let that dog know I’m not to be fucked with. A second time. The first time didn’t count because he caught me by surprise. So that dog should be thankful I didn’t snap his head like a twig. Even though he’s three times the size of me. Anyway, back to thankfulness.
I’m thankful that lady who lives here leaves the tv on for me when she goes to work and she always leaves it on ESPN or Versus so when I use her computer and start trolling the NHL and other sports forums, I know what I’m talking about. I go by the name THEBITCHISBACK3627387 if you ever want to talk shit about the Mets or Dolphins with me.
I’m thankful for 4am walks in the freezing cold because hey, I have a coat of hair to keep me warm and I can go back to sleep and not give a shit that I was up at 4am. I’m thankful for all the cute little toys my owners have bought for me even though the only thing I want to play with is their socks because it’s really funny when they go to get dressed for work and they wonder why all their socks have holes in them.
I’m thankful for all the people around here who scratch my head and rub my belly and talk to me like I’m a fucking person and I know what they hell they are talking about when they say things like “Oh, does me sweet wittle baby woof woof want a tweat?” Jesus, talk like an adult, ok? I’m not a two year old. Well, I am. But that’s like a teenager in human years. Hell, I might be as old as Martin Brodeur now that I think about it. See what I did there? I made a hockey joke. That’s the benefit of spending all day sleeping, barking and watching sports television.
Ok, so you people go ahead and have a nice Thanksgiving. My owners will desert me at some point to go eat some turkey and bitch at each other for a few hours and that’s ok because I’ll be watching football and dreaming about how awesome it would be to stuff a Jumbone in a squirrel in a turkey. Jumsquirkey. I’m the god damn John Madden of Schnauzers.
Happy Thanksgiving, humans.