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my annual valentine’s day screed

It’s the first week in February, which means it’s time for my annual Valentine’s Day screed (I used to post this on my blog every year. I think the original version – since updated – was written in 2002. Keep your tongue in your cheek, ok?).

Not that you need a reminder, what with all the storefronts decorated with sickening pink and red hearts and little cherubs with pointy weapons, but V Day approaches.

I don’t like this holiday. People who do not have significant others do not corner the market on disliking Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is not a day of amnesty. It is not a day where a guy or girl can say “Well, I’ve been shitty to my partner all year long, but if I buy them a huge bouquet of flowers on February 14th, I’m off the hook!” It doesn’t work that way.

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winner, winner, chicken dinner

We have a winner in my Valentine’s Day contest!  In case you missed it, I asked for a poem/limerick/whatever to go with this picture:

I want to thank everyone who entered. I was expecting cock jokes and you guys did not disappoint. I saw so much cock in my ask box I….you can finish that joke. It’s too early for me.

Unfortunately, we can only have one winner because I’m only sending out one prize (what, do I look like I’m made of prizes? I do? Thanks!). And that winner is BtotheD, with this Cee-Lo inspired scenario:

ROOSTER:
“I’m sorry, I keep clucking up. I promise, I’ll get it this time.”

HEN:
“You said that twenty takes ago.”

ROOSTER:
“I know, I know. Just keep playing. I’ll get it this time. Promise.”

(voice over the intercom: “The Anti-Valentine: Take 21.”)

ROOSTER:
“I see you flappin’ round the coop with the chick I love and I’m like,
Cluck Youuuuu. Oo, Oo, Oo.
I guess the feed in my farmhouse wasn’t enough,
and I’m like,
Cluck You! And, cluck her too!
I said if this Cock was bigger,
I’d still be with ya.
Well ain’t that some chicken shit? Some chicken shit?
And although there’s pain in my chest,
I still wish you the best with a … Cluck You!”

(voice over the intercom: “CUT! You nailed it!”)

ROOSTER:
“Speaking of nailing … whaddya say you and me …”

HEN:
“I’m incubating right now.”

ROOSTER:
“You’re always incubating.”

THE END!

Congratulations, Bruce! I will be in touch with you about your prize.

Thanks to all who participated: factualfiction, Nicky36, samit, nicklas, andricon, fobay, fairylights,urbanambi, mutedtime, girldetective and coyotesqrl. Thanks for all the cock!

valentine’s day advice from someone who doesn’t really care about valentine’s day

I know it’s only January 20th, but the heart shaped boxes of candy are already littering the aisles of Walgreens and a little early advice/misguided/not totally serious is better than not getting advice at all and buying her a can of whipped cream and a thong. 

Even after acknowledging my inner romantic and even after having spent the last couple of years in a state of romantic bliss, I still find fault with Valentine’s Day and its false pretenses and its way of making single, lonely people feel like buying a bottle of gin and a shitload of sleeping pills and maybe stabbing a few people to death at a Lover’s Lane before offing themselves in their ex wife’s garage.

Honestly, this day has a way of making even people in stable relationships feel awkward. All the commercials for diamonds and gold and restaurants where an appetizer costs more than a heart transplant are enough to drive even the most hardcore romantic away from Cupid’s bow and arrow. How much is enough? Why do all the commercials make guys feel that no matter how much they spend they have to spend even more if they want to prove their undying love and affection? Why do all these advice columnists on tv and the internet imply that while my loved one can get away with plunking down some cold cash on flowers or jewelry, I have to dress like a five dollar stripper and suck him dry in order to please him? And after that make him dinner and serve it in a French Maid’s outfit while the soundtrack to some porn movie plays in the background. It’s kind of unfair. Why can’t I buy him flowers or why can’t he dress like a two dollar whore for me?

Do I sound bitter? Maybe I am. Have you ever been that kid in class who got one valentine (from the teacher) while everyone else got 20? Have you ever sat home on Valentine’s night crying in your beer and eating a pint of chocolate chip mint ice cream because you bought your special someone a really thoughtful gift and all you got in return was a look that said “this better not mean that you think you can get away with cooking for me tonight”? Then you know. You know how Valentine’s Day only causes pain. Even for the guys who have a girlfriend, because they feel they can’t live up to the expectations that the media has set for them as far as presents go. Diamonds are a man’s best friend apparently, and the only way to truly show her you love her is to spend the equivalent of three months salary on some raw material that Dopey and Sneezy dug out of a South African mine.

For the girls who have a special someone, it sucks if they have been watching a morning television show where some guy pops out of the audience in a tuxedo and gets down on his knee and begs his girlfriend, who is a grip or stagehand or something, to marry him. And then Katie Couric or one of those hags on The View sends them on a trip around Manhattan in a horse drawn carriage and the snow falls gently on their heads as he puts a diamond ring on her finger and….well, that’s not reality for everyone, folks. So don’t think it’s yours. Valentine’s Day only serves to get your hopes up and then have them crashed down on top of you by the end of the night when all you got was a half-hearted kiss and an offer to let you watch while he plays Call of Duty.

But, most guys will fall for Hallmark’s hook. They’ll watch the commercials and hear the jingles and think “This is what I have to do if I want to keep her around.” Or, “This is what I have to do if I want to get laid again this year.”

For the men out there who are still contemplating what to buy your wife/girlfriend/mistress/companion/dog/RealDoll(c), a word or two of advice:

1. Chocolate is not a good gift. Chocolate says “I would like you to gain a few pounds so then I can tell you in a week or so that you look like you could lose a few pounds.”

2. Flowers are not good. Flowers say “Here are some beautiful works of nature that will wilt or dry out and lose their beauty in a relatively short time. Like you. Which is when I will leave you for a younger woman.”

3. Sexy lingerie is not good, because that just says “I really hate the way you look naked. Do you think you could dress like a stripper when we have sex so I can pretend that you are Shana from The Raven’s Nest?”

So what’s a good gift (and this applies to both men and women)?

A really good gift would be to just be thoughtful and sweet every day of the year. Be spontaneous. Be romantic. Enjoy each other all the time. Don’t wait for a Hallmark holiday to remind the person you love that they mean something special to you. Take a little time every day to remind that person that they are your Valentine all the time, not just on February 14th. That’s a perfect gift.

Unless you have just started dating the person. That would just be inappropriate and stalkerish. I suggest a nice sushi dinner, then.